Sex and Health- All the Sex and sexual health issues that confront us

 
 

 
 

  • Sex In The Public Square
  • Change Of Address

    Change Of Address

     

    Much has changed in my life over the last few years. One change is that I've become very active with Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance. Another is that I've become even more active with my union. This latter change has created a problem for Sex In The Public Square: I have very little time to maintain this site. Fortunately, the former change provides the solution: I will now be blogging at Woodhull's web site. You will find my blog featured on the home page at http://woodhullalliance.org and it will have its own page at http://www.woodhullalliance.org/category/sex-in-the-public-square/.

    I'm excited by the move. I'll be joining folks like first amendment attorney Larry Walters, sexual freedom and education scholar-advocate Marty Klein, and the folks at AVN in providing commentary for Woodhull. 

    This site will remain here as an archive. Comments will be turned off and new content will not appear. Please join us over at Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance and be part of a bigger conversation!

  • Two stories about gender inequality

    Two stories about gender inequality

     

    Two stories about gender and children caught my eye, over the last couple days. They are not at all connected to each other, but the more I thought about them, the more I realized that they illustrate very different responses to gender inequality, and that those different responses say a lot, potentially, about the structure and culture of gender in two different societies: Canada and India.

    The first story was making the rounds a few days ago on Yahoo! News. It tells the story of the Witterick-Stocker family, of Toronto, who have decided not to share the sex of their 4 month old baby Storm with anyone other than immediate family and the midwives who assisted with the delivery

    The second is a story I read in the New York Times yesterday morning, and it tells of increased rates of sex-selective abortions among well-off, well-educated women in India. Specifically, it reports on a study recently published in The Lancet, documenting the spread of sex-selective abortion practices across India over the past 20 years. The study placed particular focus on the decisions made about second children when the first child was a girl.

    What a world apart, both literally and figuratively. 

    In one society there is gender inequality but yet enough freedom that a family might decide to challenge the social structuring of gender by refusing to label their child. Theoretically this frees the child to take full advantage of those equalities that do exist and might remove some of the barriers to equality that remain. Storm's parents explain their choice in relation to this very freedom, according to Zachary Roth's Yahoo! article:

    Stocker and Witterick say the decision gives Storm the freedom to choose who he or she wants to be. "What we noticed is that parents make so many choices for their children. It's obnoxious," adds Stocker, a teacher in an alternative school.

    In the other society, gender is so powerful in the structuring of inequality that parents use it to choose whether or not a child should exist. Girls are understood to be liabilities where boys are understood to be assets. Parents with means will apparently tolerate one girl, but not a second. Education and wealth are associated with better access to health services so a family wanting to limit its liabilities and maximize its assets use the illegal practice of sex-selective abortion to end pregnancies where the fetus is categorized as female. The impact is dramatic, demographically. According to Jim Yardley's New York Times article:

    The 2011 Indian census found 914 girls for every 1,000 boys among children 6 six or younger, the lowest ratio of girls since the country gained independence in 1947. The new study estimated that 4 million to 12 million selective abortions of girls have occurred in India in the past three decades.

    We should see both stories in terms of social structure and inequality, and not purely in terms of individual choices. Storm's parents are making an individual choice, but they are doing so in a way that directly challenges the structure of the society they live in, and they are doing so because they dislike the constraints those structures impose.  Any given pair of well-off parents in India are also making choices in reaction to the constraints of social structure, and are doing so in a way that reinforces the structural constraint they are individually trying to avoid. 

    Parents should be free to choose whether or not to have a child. Children should be free to decide how to identify themselves. But our individual choices are not always as individual as we think, and often they have collective unintended consequences when we add them all up. And some of those consequences are much likely than others to move a society in the direction of justice and freedom for all.  

  • Ad Placement Fail?

    Ad Placement Fail?

    From page A18 of the May 24 edition of the New York Times

    What do you think? This Bloomingdales ad for Rag & Bone Jeans ($165.00) and silk Equipment top ($178.00) contains the tag line "MEET YOUR NEW MUST-HAVE" and depicts an Asian model staring into the camera with her lips parted. It accompanies an article with the headline "In Oakland, Redefining Sex Trade Workers as Abuse Victims" which, among many things, criticizes the 'exoticization' of Asian women in the US. 

    The article can be found online at: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/24/us/24oakland.html

  • Ten

    Ten

    DSC_8870Ten is the number of bodies that have been found on Long Island's southern beaches since December. The first four, all found between December 11 abd 13, were confirmed to be the remains of women who had had some experience in sex work. The next was found on March 29. Three more were found on April 4, and two were found today. The identities of those most recently found have not been determined, and police have not made a definitive statement about whether all of the murders are connected.

    So far, none has turned out to be Shannon Gilbert, the search for whom turned up these other victims.

    I suspect they will turn out to be related, victims of a serial killer who targets women who, among all of the other things that they do in their lives, also exchange sex for money. 

    SWOP-NYC has responded with a statement that rightly reminds us that the dangers of sex work are the dangers of stigmatization and isolation, and not particular to the exchange of sex for something else of value

    I just spent three days at my statewide union's Representative Assembly where health and safety was one of the key concerns. There was a singificant focus on framing issues in human rights terms. There was a lot of talk about the dignity of all humans, and the dignity of all labor. I was even impressed that when the issue of trafficking and children came up, the focus was on slave labor in the cocoa fields of Ivory Coast, and not a lurid focus on sex trafficking. 

    But I don't think my union would stand up publicly for sex workers. Not yet.

    I spent a couple of hours on Saturday at a huge labor rally in Times Square. I am sure there were people attending that rally who, in addition to all the other things they do, have also exchanged sex for money. But I did not see any sex worker advocacy signs in the block where I was standing. 

    We still separate sex from the rest of work, from the rest of pleasure, and essentially from most of everyday life. 

    The longer we relegate sex to the dark corners of our political and social discourse, the longer we will continue to find bodies hidden in the reeds of our beaches, long undiscovered because they were marginalized from the start. 

    Sexual freedom, including the consensual exchange of sex for other things of value, must come to be seen a fundamental human right. Sex is a valuable thing. The right to physical autonomy and the right to sexual pleasure and the right to earn a decent living all intersect in the phenomenon of sex work.

    Stand up publicly for your own right, and the right of others, to safely determine the conditions of each sexual exchange we make. 

     

    Photo is by Karl Monaghan (Red_Tzar on Flickr) and is used under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share Alike license.

     

  • Come out for labor rights

    Come out for labor rights

    Are you a union member, or a friend or family member of a union member? If so, please come out. Please identify yourself that way in conversations. Please stand up for unions and for the basic worker rights that they protect. 

    According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics in 2010, only 11.9 percent of workers in the US were represented by unions, and that number is only as high as it is because about a third of public sector workers are union members. 

    What does this have to do with sexuality? First of all, without unions there can be no economic justice in a capitalist society, and without economic justice, sexual freedom is impossible in any meaningful way. To fully realize our sexual freedom we need basic economic security. 

    Second, there is a lot to be learned from the coming out campaigns of the LGBT movement. When we are visible we reveal ourselves, making ourselves vulnerable, but we also become three dimensional human beings to those who have previously seen us as one-dimensional stereotypes.

    Third, there is something similar about taking a part of your life, a part of yourself, a part that you perhaps take for granted, and making it a part of your identity. I am not just a professor, I am a union member. I am not just a clerk, I am a union member. I am not just a groundskeeper, I am a union member. Union membership is something we often see as part of the background of our lives, and we need to bring it into the foreground. Again, LGBT activism gives us a model for doing this. 

    In tough economic times it is easy for people to villify or demonize a small group of people who are represented in the press as greedy, lazy, and selfish. Especially if you don't have any reason to suspect that real live union members are any different from that representation.

    But that's not who we are, and it seems to me that the only way for unions to turn the tide that is undermining them now is if we each come out of the union closet and identify ourselves to our friends and neighbors so they see us as the hard-working, community-minded, caring and dedicated people that we are.

    Harvey Milk is represented in the biopic Milk as saying "They vote for us two to one if they know they know one of us." (It's also worth recalling that Milk worked with union leaders and had strong labor backing of his campaigns, and that progressive labor unions and LGBT political unions often work in concert with each other.)

    When nonunion workers are facing layoffs and pay cuts and the media tells them its all the fault of unions, it's easy to see how they'd vote to undercut the power of workers who are depicted as leeches feeding off an increasingly anemic public. But if they knew that we were their neighbors, their kid's friend's parents, the people they always nod to at the supermarket, it might be different. If we talk to them about the ways that unions protect not just their members but the basic rights of all workers, they might feel differently. What if, instead of hiding our union membership out of fear of being criticized or attacked, we talk to them about the struggles of all employees and encourage them to seek the strength of unions to protect themselves rather than to tear down the organizations that helped bouy their own raises and benefits just by virtue of comparison? 

    This week is a week of We Are One events spreading solidarity, raising consciousness, and making demands for economic justice. Take a moment this week to identify yourself in relation to that effort. If you are a union member, or a friend or lover or kin to one, take a moment to tell someone else about that. Tell a story that helps counter the negative impression of union members in the press. Take a risk. We can't rebuild the labor movement from inside the closet. 

    I'm a union member, and a union leader, and I'm proud of my role in protecting rights for all workers. How about you? 

     

     

  • Bound, Not Gagged
  • Medical Survey of Human Trafficking Victims

    Medical Survey of Human Trafficking Victims
    I’ve been asked to pass this along. The survey looks at medical care recieved by victims of human trafficking in the US during the time they were trafficked. It recognizes both sex and labor trafficking. The survey is available in English, Spanish, and Haitian Creole. The intro letter: Hello, I am an emergency medicine physician […]
  • Selling Consensual Sex Means Jail. Doctor Sexually Assaults 7 Women, No Jail

    Selling Consensual Sex Means Jail. Doctor Sexually Assaults 7 Women, No Jail
    This is so wrong on so many levels.  From USA Today  31 May 2013 Seven women tearfully recounted in court how their doctor abused their trust to sexually exploit them.  Then they watched a judge sentence him to probation Thursday instead of prison. http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2013/05/31/iowa-doctor-sexual-abuse/2376235/ ALFRED, Maine (AP) ? A Zumba fitness instructor who pleaded guilty to using […]
  • Cleveland Kidnapping

    Cleveland Kidnapping
    I understand this is a bit off topic as there hasn’t been information released, to my knowledge, isn’t inherently related to sex work. Although as sex workers we are all vulnerable to this kind of situation. Some of us have faced it first hand ourselves. But for anyone who knows me or knows of me […]
  • Sex Worker Conference in Las Vegas- Register and/or Submit Your Proposal!

    Sex Worker Conference in Las Vegas- Register and/or Submit Your Proposal!
    5th Desiree Alliance Conference-The Audacity of Health: Sex Work, Health, and Politics July 14-19, 2013 Las Vegas, NV   http://desireealliance.org/conference.htm Registration is Now Open for the 5th Desiree Alliance Conference Please read the registration details below to begin the process. http://www.desireealliance.org/conference/Registration.htm Submit proposals for presentations by April 1, 2013 http://www.desireealliance.org/conference/CFP.htm The Desiree Alliance is a national […]
  • Originally posted on Sex Work Policy, the blog:
    by Cheryl Overs. Over the last few months I have been reading and writing about sex work and law. I have had the chance to comment on several excellent papers as they are being written and had some wonderful opportunities to work with skilled and knowledgeable activists…
 
 
  • About.com Sexuality
  • We're Making Vaginas?!

    We're Making Vaginas?!

    Humans have been making vaginas for a long, long time. Until recently, as far as most of us knew, the manufacturing of these organs took place in uteri around the world, usually finishing up 14 to 16 weeks after receipt of raw materials.

    Manufacturing may not be the best analogy for this process, at least not the kind of manufacturing that involves machine automated assembly lines pumping out perfectly identical products. Even when humans do it on their own, it's more of a bespoke or artisanal situation.

    And so it is now that science has delivered us the first, fully tested, tissue-engineered vaginas.

    A paper, published yesterday in The Lancet describes a pilot study where four young women who were born with partial or absent vaginas had new vaginas engineered in a lab, grown from their own tissue, implanted in their bodies successfully. The researchers followed all four women for up to eight years post implant, and in all four cases the implanted vaginas successfully integrated into their bodies.

    The image on the right, provided by the researchers at Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine, shows the beginnings of a new vagina. Actually at this point much of the work has been done.

    The process begins when a small piece of tissue (1 cm by 1 cm) is taken from the patients vulvar area. The tissue has both skin and muscle cells, and (somehow) the cells are separated. They are then "cultured" and "expanded" and they separately "seeded" onto biodegradable scaffolds. Then comes the artisanal part. For each patient they determine what size and shape vagina will fit best. Then they hand stitch the scaffold around an appropriately sized object (what you're seeing on the right) and ultimately implant the vagina (or is it a potential vagina at this point?).

    According to the researchers what happens next is that the body begins to integrate the new organ, growing cells around and within it. The scaffolding fades away and what is left is a vagina that is hard to distinguish from what they call a "native vagina" under examination both visually and through biopsy. They describe the vaginas as having "adequate vascularisation and innervation" meaning there is both good blood flow and distribution of nerves to the area. All of this happens within 6 months of the implant.

    The researchers are careful to note that this is just a pilot study, but they believe that what makes this procedure effective at all, and offers better outcomes than current methods of vaginal reconstruction, is that both skin and muscle cells are used and that the cells come from the patients own vulvar region.

    I'm curious, of course, not only about the look-what-we-can-do! science of it all, but about how these vaginas feel, what is the experience of having one. The four women who received implants were each asked to fill out a "sexual function index" where they rate their experience of desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, and satisfaction, as well as the absence of pain during intercourse. All four women scored themselves high across all domains.

    The press release for the study was accompanied by a few short videos, including an interview with one of the women in the study. As translated from Spanish (all the vaginas were made at the Tissue Engineering Laboratory, Children's Hospital Mexico Federico Gomez, in Mexico City) the woman describes feeling perfectly "normal."

    In some sense, I wish that research like this, and the need for it served more as a reminder that what is normal is sort of a fantasy. But this hardly seems the time or place for that conversation. For now I'm going to contemplate what it means to say there's more than one way to make a vagina and what happens next.

    The Lancet: Tissue-engineered autologous vaginal organs in patients: a pilot cohort study (abstract only, subscription required for full access)

    Read More - CNN: Creating Body Parts in a Lab: 'Things Are Happening Now'

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  • Sex and Lung Cancer: Missing the Forest for the Trees

    Sex and Lung Cancer: Missing the Forest for the Trees

    Last month at the 4th European Lung Cancer Conference in Geneva, a professor of urology and a radiation oncologist led a rare morning session that focused on sex. During the one and a half hour workshop, Stephane Droupy and Luca Incrocci spoke about the importance of considering sexual function and satisfaction among patients being treated for lung cancer.

    I learned about the session through a prepared release about the workshop in which the presenters called for more attention to be paid to sexual dysfunction in lung cancer patients.

    A few times a year a release like this pops up, calling for more awareness of the impact on sexuality of cancer, diabetes, arthritis, and more.

    Taken individually, these calls seem not only reasonable but important. We should be paying more attention to the role of sexuality in people's lives.

    Taken as a whole, this approach begins to feel like we're missing the forest for the trees.

    What It Means to Raise Awareness About Sexuality and Condition X, Y, or Z
    When we say that we need to pay more attention to the sexual function of people with, say, lung cancer, we aren't doing or saying one thing. Many things are happening.

    Most medical professionals, researchers, and sex educators understand sexuality and sexual function as something that is either normal or not. Normal, or normative, sexuality is what they believe describes most people. Abnormal sexuality is what happens when a body or a mind (or both) deviate from the norm.

    In this case, in the absence of cancer one's sexuality is not notable. When you have cancer, your sexual life has changed, and those changes need to be attended to, or so this logic would say.

    This is both true and not true. It's true that cancer changes your body and your life. But that's not all that is being said here. When we say that cancer is a change worth noting, we ignore other changes, and we make bodies (and people) with cancer remarkable in ways that they aren't.

    Moral Values and Change
    Our bodies change constantly. Our sexuality is also changing all the time. We pay a lot of attention to some changes: puberty, the loss of a limb, injury or illness especially when it impacts the genitals. We pay little or no attention to other changes: the gradual development of our own sense of ourselves and our bodies in the world, the difference between a life where we have access to rights and freedoms that allow us to consent to sex and a life where we don't.

    The changes that come with something like cancer can be significant, and they do matter. But they are not necessarily changes of a different order than other kinds of changes that happen throughout our lives. Who decides what changes matter most and how those decisions get turned into medical and social assumptions are not primarily matters of science. They are moral and ethical evaluations that are produced and play out on a systemic level.

    They also play out on our bodies and in our lives. All of the ways we change sexually, fast and slow, obvious and hidden, socially valued and socially devalued, happen in the context of our lives.

    When we focus only on a condition, we strip away the context. All our experiences up to this point, our identities (relationally: as parent, child, spouse, lover, friend, mentor, as well as systemically across race, gender, class, ethnicity) become faded and less visible to the experts who are presumably there to help us, and eventually to us as well.

    When we do this we are looking very carefully at the tree, but we forget that we're in a forest, with root systems that run deep and are connected. And we, not the individual, is deciding that what is most important is that the leaves look green and the tree grows tall.

    Creating a Before and After
    Another thing we do sometimes when we focus on how our sexuality is impacted by one condition or one event is that we can begin to think that the goal of support or intervention is "getting back to normal".

    When "normal" refers to a narrow definition of physical functioning, it may make sense. If you were able to play piano and you sustain an injury to your hands, a goal of rehabilitation will likely be to get you back to a place where you have as much function in your hands as possible.

    But sexuality is much more than the functioning of a hand (or any other body part). And because our bodies are always changing and our sexuality changes as we age, going back is never really an option. When you're 40 you can't have sex like when you were 20. Because you aren't 20, you're 40. Whether or not you get cancer when you're 32, this fact remains the same.

    The idea of going back to normal is appealing, but it's simply the wrong metaphor for rehabilitation. Come to think of it it's not such a great metaphor for life (unless you aren't alive...I think it might work for vampires and zombies). We can't go back ever, because we're alive, and we keep changing. I know many of us feel like we get stuck sexually, like we can't move forward, but the truth is that time moves and experience accrues.

    What is the Alternative?
    I'm not proposing that we stop thinking about something like the impact of lung cancer on sexuality. As Droupy and Incrocci pointed out at in their session, there are aspects of a lung cancer diagnosis that are different than other kinds of cancer, and they have an impact not only on one's experience of sexuality but on how healthcare providers approach the subject. They offer the example of palliative care, which may be a more likely outcome of a lung cancer diagnosis, and which may change the way healthcare providers think (or don't think) about bringing up the subject of sexuality.

    I'm glad they are thinking about these things and bringing the topic to professional meetings.

    But I also want to imagine what it would be like if we were able to make a paradigmatic shift away from the idea that there's a normal sexuality and then there are the exceptions that arise from aging, illness, and disability, and toward the more realistic understanding of sexuality as something that is constantly in flux, changing as our bodies change whether or not those changes are marked as "natural" or "abnormal."

    Related: The Trouble with Normal ; Sexuality and Palliative Care ; Sexuality and Lung Cancer (from About.com's Lung Cancer site)

    Photo credit: Stephen Spraggon/Stockbyte/Getty Images

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  • What Does Normal Sex Look Like?

    What Does Normal Sex Look Like?

    What do you imagine when you think of normal sex? Is having normal sex like getting a gold star, or is it more like a rubber stamp? When taken out of context many may feel as if normal sex equals boring sex. And yet the pull of normal is strong, as it can feel like protection against the shame of our individual sexual desires.

    When I worked in sex shops I would get this question all the time in different forms. People would disclose something they had done sexually or something they fantasize about and then ask if I thought it was normal. Sometimes they would use those exact words (usually with a laugh, and in a tone that indicated they both did and did not want me to answer). Sometimes they would preempt judgement of them by talking about or asking about the "weirdos" who frequent sex shops.

    One of the greatest things about working in sex shops is that often we would have a lot of time to talk to customers. Some would stay for hours. And over time I developed an answer to this question. The answer keeps changing, but it came up recently in a question I answered on this site, and I thought it was about time I shared it here.

    Read More: What Is Normal Sex?

    Previously - The Trouble with Normal

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  • If You Thought Circumcision Debates Were Heated Before…

    If You Thought Circumcision Debates Were Heated Before…

    Things are about to get much, much hotter. That's because the authors of a new review of research, which was published online this week and will be in the May issue of the Mayo Clinic Proceedings, have taken the already contentious topic of circumcision and super-charged it by introducing another infant intervention flashpoint, vaccinations.

    The paper begins with an explanation that rates of circumcision in the US have not been properly reported, and what seems like an increase over time in circumcision rates is actually a slight decrease. But the authors have a lot more on their minds than prevalence data.

    Their position on circumcision is clear. Based on their analysis, the benefits of circumcision so outweigh the risks that not to circumcise should be considered unethical. They bring up vaccinations early, as they describe (with what feels like more than a little derision) our current "era of autonomy" where "even vaccinations can be refused by parents for their children."

    I don't think we really need any one else making bold public pronouncements about either circumcision or vaccination. There's a long line of people ready to tell you why parents should or should not vaccinate or circumcise (and for that matter why you're a horrible person if you breast feed too long, or not long enough, or let your kids watch TV before they are four, or never let your kids watch TV, and on and on). I don't want to add to that, and my opinion doesn't really matter that much (since I don't have kids on whom to visit such practices). But after reading the paper I felt like I wanted to share my disappointment.

    What disappoints me most about the paper is how ineffective I think it will be at moving the medical/research debate along or at offering guidance for parents who aren't sure about whether or not to circumcise.

    What the paper does is offer support for those who think circumcision is beneficial and not harmful and plenty. It also offers many holes to poke through for those who think otherwise. And it continues the long tradition of researchers (on both sides of this issue) who address this complicated social practice, one that lies at the intersection of medicine and culture, family and society, class, race, gender, ethnicity, and more, as if it were an object of scientific inquiry that can be easily resolved through quantitative data.

    The idea that we can talk about circumcision as if it is either beneficial or harmful, and never both, sort of baffles me. Unfortunately this paper, like others that take an opposing position, continues to maintain that such a simple minded approach is the best science has to offer.

    For now I'll continue to be confused and keep waiting for something better.

    Read More - NBC News: Circumcision Rate Falls Despite Health Risks

    Hear from the Author - YouTube: Circumcision Rates in the US: Rising or Falling?

    Related: Phrase of the Week: Uncircumcised Penile Environment ; Circumcision and Penile Sensitivity: Accepting the Data Rejecting the Premise ; Put Down the Knife and Back Away Thoughtfully

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  • How Do I Make Masturbation More Enjoyable?

    How Do I Make Masturbation More Enjoyable?

    Is it the mood lighting? The sweet talk? The touch that seems to always know the right spot, the right pressure, the right next move? Just what is it that makes masturbation enjoyable?

    For many (most?) of us it's probably none of those things. How many of us sweet talk ourselves into bed? How often is our self touch something magical as opposed to something that works, that gets the job done?

    If I've learned anything over twenty-five years of talking to people about their sex lives it's that you can't take anything for granted. Including the quality of our self-pleasuring activities.

    So this week's sex question, from a young woman who is not enjoying her masturbation routine, wasn't a surprise. Finding an answer that would satisfy was.

    Read More: How Can I Make Masturbation More Enjoyable?

    Related: About.com Sex Questions and Answers

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  • Dating, singles, relationships, sex tips and advice blog for men and women.
  • Being you is better than changing to appease someone who is threatened by differences

    Being you is better than changing to appease someone who is threatened by differences

    It’s a pretty bemusing, baffling and sometimes downright annoying experience, when someone expresses discontent with who you are as a person by essentially claiming that who you are is ‘wrong’. It’s like, “You’re doing you wrong. It should be like this and this, not that.” Erm, who says? They’re not you.

    What you [...]

  • Loneliness happens when we stop expressing how we feel and lose emotional connections (The importance of self-care and safe people)

    Loneliness happens when we stop expressing how we feel and lose emotional connections (The importance of self-care and safe people)

    When we stop expressing how we feel, we lose, not only that all vital connection to ourselves, but we also end up feeling lonely due to a lack of emotional connection with people who are theoretically in our Circle of Trust. We fear that if we’re honest, that they won’t want to know [...]

  • Why do we want to be liked by people who we dislike?

    Why do we want to be liked by people who we dislike?

    One of the things that fascinates me about human nature, is our irrational desire and sometimes need to be liked by people who we ourselves do not like. We can be mad at a person and decide that we don’t like him/her but then feel wounded and even rejected when they don’t respond [...]

  • There?s no point in following the ?trend? if you don?t end up liking or knowing you

    There?s no point in following the ?trend? if you don?t end up liking or knowing you

    When I was a teenager growing up in Dublin and battling with that very typical desire to ‘fit in’ by being and doing what I thought everyone else was, my mother would trot out her standard line – “Would you jump off a bridge if someone told you to?” As one of only [...]

  • ?Charming? tends to be a precursor to code red problems

    ?Charming? tends to be a precursor to code red problems

    Each and every time someone shares a story with me where the object of their affections (and their pain) is described as “charming”, I already know the rest of the story without them having to utter another word. My spidey senses go “O-oh!” and I know that the rest of the story’s going [...]

  • Regina Lynn's SexRev2.0
  • I?m coming out of retirement for One Night Only, this Saturday in SF ? see you there?

    I?m coming out of retirement for One Night Only, this Saturday in SF ? see you there?
    The Bay Area’s craziest spoken word event celebrates its 10th anniversary, with an all-star lineup! When: Saturday, April 9, 2011, 7:30 to 9:30 PM, doors open at 6:30 PM What: WRITERS WITH DRINKS TURNS TEN! Who: Rick Moody, Maxine Hong Kingston, Monica Youn, Regina Lynn, Keith Knight and the contributors to Veterans of War, Veterans of Peace Where: The Make Out [...]
  • Girlfriends ask, boyfriends deliver: Design your own luxury sex toy

    Girlfriends ask, boyfriends deliver: Design your own luxury sex toy
    I estimate that at least half of the sex-tech entrepreneurs I’ve written about over the years are men who say they invented their product or service at the prodding of their wives and girlfriends. In many cases, the women keep their day jobs to support the household and prop up the business, and the men [...]
  • Follow-up: ThriXXX supports Kinect and Fleshlight simultaneously

    Follow-up: ThriXXX supports Kinect and Fleshlight simultaneously
    A step forward for 3D sex games incorporating physical devices like Fleshlight and motion sensors like Kinect systems.
  • Kinect goes Wiiiiiiiiiiii, Wiiiii, Wiiii, all the way home ? to home base, that is

    Kinect goes Wiiiiiiiiiiii, Wiiiii, Wiiii, all the way home ? to home base, that is
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  • Last longer in Bed | Lastlongerinbed.info
  • Last longer in bed Exercises

    Last longer in bed Exercises

    Pelvic Muscle Training

    At first you may need to perform these exercises while sitting. As the muscles strengthen you can progress to exercise standing up. Like any activity, start with what you can achieve and progress from there. Remember to use your muscles whenever you exert yourself during your daily activities.

    If you can feel the muscles working, exercise them by:

    1. Squeezing / tightening and drawing in and up around both your anus (back passage) and urethra (bladder outlet). Lift up inside and try to hold this contraction strongly for as long as you can (1 ? 10 seconds). Keep breathing! Now release and relax. You should have a definite feeling of letting go.

    2. Rest 10 ? 20 seconds ? repeat Step 1, and remember it is important to rest. If you find it easy to hold, try to hold longer and repeat as many as you are able. Work towards 12 long, strong holds.

    3. Now try 5 ? 10 short, fast strong contractions.

    do NOT hold your breath

    do NOT push down instead of squeeze and lift

    do NOT pull your tummy in tightly

    do NOT tighten your buttocks and thighs.

    Try to set aside 5 ? 10 minutes in your day for this exercise routine, and remember, quality is important. A few good contractions are more beneficial than many half-hearted ones and good results take time and effort.

    Remember to use the muscles when you need them most. That is, always tighten before you cough, sneeze, lift, bend, get up out of a chair, etc.

    How do I improve on my exercises?

    Increase the length of time and number of holds you do in succession before experiencing muscle fatigue. Work towards 12 long, strong holds. Increase the number of short, fast contractions ? always do your maximum number of quality contractions.

    5) Circular motions. Stop overstimulating your penis head and alter your penetration technique to a circular motion so that all your penis (hence less of the head) gets stimulated.

    6) Location location location. Or rather position. Your partner on top reduces your movement and excitement (unlike you being on top doing all the work). This can greatly help the control you have and stimulation you receive.

    7) Diversionary tactics! At least for your mind anyway. No, don?t think of your mother naked. Instead hold the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth. This is a simple trick, effective and unknown to your lover.

    8) Masturbate first. If you have been getting excited all night with your partner then the build up of anticipation is too much and will almost certainly result in premature ejaculation. Offset this by popping to the toilet and masturbating 10 minutes before you will be making your move for real.

    9) Stay in control. This may encompass some other aspects of these 10 tips but if you have the mindset of being in control, instead of getting over excited, then you can withdraw at any point, cchange position, give oral stimulation and generally decide the outcome of the experience.

    10) The ?behind the balls? muscle. Forget it?s scientific name. Hold this muscle or press it with your hand when you feel the urge to come. A little practise with this technique will be an immediate relief.

    With these in place you will be well on your way to making a more sensual lover, a more relaxed lover, and one who is able to last longer in bed and have sex for longer until you decide your partner is sexually satisfied (well, almost!) and you are ready to join in that pleasurable sensation too.

    Squeeze Technique

    Step 1. Begin sexual activity as usual, including stimulation of the penis, until you feel almost ready to ejaculate.

    Step 2. Have your partner squeeze the end of your penis, at the point where the head (glans) joins the shaft, and maintain the squeeze for several seconds, until the urge to ejaculate passes.

    Step 3. After the squeeze is released, wait for about 30 seconds, then go back to foreplay. You may notice that squeezing the penis causes it to become less erect, but when sexual stimulation is resumed, it soon regains full erection.

    Step 4. If you again feel you?re about to ejaculate, have your partner repeat the squeeze process.

    By repeating this as many times as necessary, you can reach the point of entering your partner without ejaculating. After a few practice sessions, the feeling of knowing how to delay ejaculation may become a habit that no longer requires the squeeze technique.


    Kegel Exercises for men

    Kegel exercises for men are relatively unknown, while these techniques were very popular with women during and after pregnancy. It is only recently that kegel exercises for men have become popular, with the Internet being the prime source of information. What these exercises do is that they target the pelvic floor muscles which control the muscles of the genitalia.

    Kegel exercises for males concentrate on the pubococcygeus muscle or the PC muscle. This muscle can easily be identified by the man by trying to stop the flow of urine half way. It is not to be confused with the anal or abdominal muscles but one needs to clearly identify this muscle before beginning kegel exercises for men.

    What does exercising the kegels do for the man?

    This is the muscle than controls a mans erection and ejaculation. Good strength in this muscle will give a man immense control over sex and solve problems like premature ejaculation. Stamina is also greatly increased as a result.

    How to begin the exercising?

    A good way for men to begin kegel exercises is to start contracting and releasing the PC muscle in quick successions. Beginners will probably find it difficult to do anything more than 25 contractions at one stretch. They should try three sets of 25 contractions to start strengthening the PC muscle.

    Men will find that Kegel exercises get easier to do once they get the hang of it. The best part about these techniques is that they can be done anywhere. You could sit at your computer, you can be talking on the phone, or be in any still position anywhere and do these exercises.

    As one gets familiar with the control of the PC muscle, they can start trying advanced kegel exercises which are essentially more intense variations of the PC muscle training. An example of a more intense exercise would be when one is required to do long holds of the PC muscle. This is where you contract and hold the PC muscle for about 10 seconds at one stretch and then give yourself a break of about 5 seconds and then do another long hold.

    Another variation of kegel exercises requires the use of a small wash cloth or a light towel. Get an erection and hang the towel on your penis. Now contract the PC muscle and try to lift the towel several times. As you start to get used it to it, move up with heavier towels until you can lift a full size beach towel! When you are able to do that, you know that your penis is in pretty good shape.
    Step 4. If you again feel you?re about to ejaculate, have your partner repeat the squeeze process.

    By repeating this as many times as necessary, you can reach the point of entering your partner without ejaculating. After a few practice sessions, the feeling of knowing how to delay ejaculation may become a habit that no longer requires the squeeze technique.

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  • 15 Tips on how to last longer in bed

    15 Tips on how to last longer in bed
    1. Squeeze the head.

    When you feel that you are about to ejaculate, stop and squeeze right below the head of the penis. This pushes the blood out of the penis and temporarily blocks the ejaculatory response.

    2. Do a Kegel.

    A kegel is an exercise that will help you control your ejaculation. When you are urinating, stop mid flow for a few seconds, keep urinating, stop mid flow for a few seconds, and so on. Practice your kegels every time you urinate.

    3. Don't thrust.

    Gently press your penis head into her clitoral head, keeping it around the entrance of the vagina, which is a very sensitive part  of the vagina. Don't push all the way into the vagina, just penetrate the first 2-3 inches.

    4. Get some Prozac or other Stimulant.

    A recent scientific study has shown that around 73 percent of men who suffered from premature ejaculation, were cured or partially cured after taking 20 milligrams of Prozac.  If you are not comfortable with prescription drugs or the side effects of Prozac you can also take  Vigrx-plus which is a more natural alternative.

    5. Let her be on top.

    If she climbs on top of you , your penis is less stimulated, and she feels more in charge.

    6. Don't focus on the orgasm.

    The more attention you give to the orgasm , the faster you will get it. During sex, try thinking of other things and this will slow down your reaction to an early ejaculation.

    7. Go for round 2.

    If you finished early the first time, take a break and try again. It may be more difficult to get aroused, but you will definitely last longer. The more you practice this, the longer your first time will last.

    8. Predict your ejaculation.

    There are four phases in the sexual cycle: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Try and recognize this during your sexual activity and rate your excitement from 1-10. Try staying at 7.

    9. Control your masterbation.

    Masturbate for a longer time than you normally do. Set a longer time limit and work yourself to ejaculate around that time.

    10. Please her first.

    Let her have an orgasm first before you. It will make her feel better both sexually, and psychologically.

    11. Spend more time with foreplay.

    Find out what stimulates your partner and spend time doing it. If your partner takes 20 minutes to get an orgasm and you only take 5 minutes, then spend 15 minutes on foreplay, so when you enter her, you can be assured that both of you will climax together and your premature ejaculation problems will be behind you forever!

    12.  Control your thoughts and relax your mind.

    One of the main causes of premature ejaculation is when you concentrate too hard on not ejaculating fast. If you think positively that you will not climax before your partner and learn to relax, you will endure a much longer lasting and pleasant sexual experience.  The ejaculation trainer  is a great guide on controlling your thoughts and techniques during foreplay and intercourse. 

    13. Discover the best positions.

    Spend time with your partner to find the positions that will not excite you early prolonging your ejaculation. Sometimes letting your partner stay on top of you will allow her to dictate the pace, preventing you from a premature ejaculation.

    14. Control your breathing

    Like any exercise, breathing is very important. If you can master the breathing technique of regular evenly spaced breaths you will have won a significant battle in your war against premature ejaculation. 

    15. Practice often

    To become good at anything you must keep practicing until you get it right. This is the reason why more mature adults are usually very 'masterful' when it comes to sex. They do not have the problem of premature ejaculation as those who are just beginning their sexual careers.

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